- Coraline Avatar Titanic ("Corrie"): originally Mnem's cat, but now a fully fledged member of the Ferret Gun family and queen of the lower floors. Is blue more often than not. Wife of Eli.
- Franklyn Elizabeth Lassie Insomnia Nosferatu Evita ("Liza"): superfluous ambassador between ourselves and the animals; receives free psychological counselling as part of her job perks. Corrie's sister.
Ferrets
- Freaking Epic Rage Rage Eli Omu Tricycle ("Eli Trick"): a genteel, sophisticated fellow with a British accent and a fondness for tweed and scones. The only animal member of our inner circle possessed of the faculty of speech. Husband of Corrie.
- Nin: one of Chronos' Ninja Ferrets. Now you see him, now you don't.
- Jafer: another Ninja Ferret. Chandelier fixer-upper extraordinaire.
- Ret: the last Ninja Ferret. Responsible for most of the bedwetting incidents amongst the newer recruits.
- Martin Luferret: Dorm Head and mediator. Also a vocal critic of the Norman Cathartic Church. Has a thing for nuns, but as long as he keeps seventeen rowdy ferrets and seventeen rowdy ferret beds in tip-top shape, we shall not pass judgement.
Humans
- Chronos: resident mad
(evil?)scientist, tinkerer of space/time, ninja ferret inaugurator, and cook. - Mnemosyne: incorrigible paintress, opener of windows, record-keeper, and cleaner.
- The Head Gardener: exactly what it says
on the tinon his namecard. Worships Chronos after she stitched his hand back on, but only because she very conveniently forgot to remind him that it was she who sliced it off in the first place. - The Little Old Lady Who Lives On The Top Floor With Twenty-Six Cats And A Pronounced Interest In Taxidermy: because every house needs a topic to avoid at the dinner table.
Omus
- Ostrich Supper Triangle Random Imp Chop-Chop Ha-Ha Emu Mop Unicyc ("Omu"): neurotic, fiendish, oddly toothsome. Six-time winner of the bimonthly Metaphorical Marathon (look at those legs!), itinerant knitter, and ninja in training. Has a reputation for pushing people off the top landing and then braining them with flowerpots on the way down. Wife of Mad.
- Mikaelomu: a talented sculptor. Responsible for the creepy gargoyles in Chronos' and Mnem's images that bedeck the gothically themed ledges of the Animals' Wing, not to mention the marble lawn gnomes dotting the grounds and the Postmodern cabinet fixtures in the kitchen.
- Peggy: runs a transport service which hires out and maintains a fleet of corridor-ready vehicles ("'cuz this is a damn big tower, you know?" -- Chronos). Looks upon hybrids with ill-disguised scorn. Restores 19th-century bicycles in her spare time.
- Pen Excalibur Nomad Gwin Umbrella Ink Ninja ("Mad", "Destroyer Of Worlds", "Oh God Please No Put That Down Please I'm Begging You "): Chronos' ward, protector, and right-hand bird. Can often be found in the Bunker, where all the science-y heavy equipment / semilegal compounds are kept. Universally feared. Husband of Omu.
- Poppy: a smaller-than-average penguin who happens to be Head Penguin Gardener, second (in terms of arboreal power) only to the Head Gardener. Has souped up the lawnmower in such a way that the resultant Frankenmower (her term, not ours) is currently banned in thirty-seven countries and subject to ongoing investigation in a further fifteen.
- Guintler: always on his soapbox. As fine an orator as can be had in the avian world. Also used as target practice when the ferrets get restless.
- Gardening Task Force: a tightly-knit cadre of specially trained penguin horticulturalists, landscapers, and hedge pruners. Suspicious of outsiders. Capable of doing terrible things with fertilizer sacks.
- Kung Fu Panda: a penguin in a panda suit who won't tell anybody why he's in a panda suit. Currently responsible for training ninja ferrets and taking charge of Tower security. Has previously taken out intruders with a combination of ballpoint pens, chewed twine, and the little clear things on the ends of shoelaces.
Misc
- October Chomp-Chomp Tentacles Orange Partyhat Underground Squawk ("Chomp"): neon pink octopus perpetually glued to Chronos' head/shoulder. Akin to an ambitious headcrab with fluoro tendencies, or a really big benign tick. Morally opposed to fried calamari. Unimpressed by soccer.
- Ominous Swiveling Watchful Lollipop ("Swiv"): small, candy-coloured owl. Knows all. Sees all. Has a fondness for CSI: NY and turning 360 degrees without moving an inch. Watches the entrances of both Chronos' and Mnem's wings thanks to a duplicate, indistinguishable from the real one. Recently voted "Most Likely To Be Seen On FBI's Most Wanted"* at the annual Tower Staff Get-Together, due to stalkerish tendencies and incessant hooting at unholy hours of the morning.
~Mnemosyne
*Mad was disqualified for reasons of already being on the Most Wanted list (#7).
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