Watermelon heaven hell

My internet went and sat in a corner all day muttering about blue-eyed angels so I apologize for not getting much done. I also apologize in advance for inflicting another piece of shoddy GIMPage (lameness new word alert!) on your poor overtaxed eyes. I really need to start writing a post. An actual post, not an excerpted post, and defiti defnit definitely (lack of sleep, huh) not one with an image attached that will skroo wiv j00r BRAINZ (oh God, definitely lack of sleep), but a real, honest-to-goodness sit-down-and-and-write-it-for-half-an-hour-straight post. Which may or may not concern watermelons. Have you seen those things? If I wanted a weakly flavoured pulp of water and miscellaneous crunchy bits I'd put wrapping paper in a blender. I hate watermelons. They don't like me much either.

OH, THE HUGE MANATEE BOX-SHAPED WATERMELON!

Seriously though, I hate watermelons. I walked with Atlas from one after-school club to another last Thursday and he insisted on going to the cafeteria cafetaria caff for a watermelon juice. Of all the things he could have gotten, he went for a friggin' watermelon juice?! Yes, I love Atlas very much. He's like the jerkass older brother I never had (thank God). But he dropped a notch in my eyes when he picked up that juice. -silently strangles a fruit- Nevermind that you can't strangle things with no necks. Or maybe you can...? -eyes Omu-

Nah, that doesn't count, she's practically all neck. -Omu fluffs feathers threateningly- What? It's true.

I mean... uh... not that it's not a very nice neck... um...

What was I saying? Oh, yes, that I dislike watermelons. Horrible watery fruit. You know what the scary thing is though? They're taking over the friggin' world. Seriously. You've got--you've got watermelon scarves:

"All the better to strangle you at the first opportune (read: windy) moment with."

And watermelon faces:

"All the better to give you strangely fruity nightmares with."

And watermelon hearts:

"All the better to finally confirm your significant other's longstanding belief that you view Valentines' day gift giving more as a chance to get back at them for all the times they gave you crappy candy heart-a-grams with."

And even watermelon chairs:

"All the better to glomp your ass with."

What part of "we are fking screwed, go out in a pickup and raze the first watermelon farm you see" don't you understand, people?!

~Mnemosyne