Recreating Mnem's dinner in 8 easy steps (with helpful hints in parentheses!)

Ingredients:

1 live salmon
1 bucket of full cream milk
1 vat of freshly cooked al dente tagliatelle (it's the long thin flat pasta, for those of you who are sadly unversed in the mystical art of traditional Italian cuisine; and al dente just means that it's slightly undercooked so as to be a bit tough and EXTREMELY tasty)
3 cups of squid ink
1 buffalo
242 grains of salt
7 grains of pepper

1.Take your salmon and drown it in the bucket of milk. (No, I don't know how you drown a fish. Tape its gills shut, perhaps? Write back when you're done, I've got this giant catfish in my swimming pool that I need to persuade to move out.)
2. While the fish expires, take your tagliatelle and your squid ink and combine in a large cooking pot. (A dramatically bubbling pewter cauldron is a nice touch, but not necessary. Neither are three ugly sisters, Shakespearian verses, or a gouged-out newt.)
3. Apply an industrial blender to the bucket with the dead salmon. (Apply it copiously and evenly twice a day in affected areas. Warning: unsuitable for small children and those with allergies. No, I'm not reading from my medicated cream bottle, why do you ask?)
4. When salmon and milk have been thoroughly blendered, combine with inked tagliatelle in cooking pot/cauldron and stew for several hours. (You'll NEED several hours when you see step 5.)
5. Now we're going to make our very own parmesan cheese from scratch! Firstly, milk buffalo. Heat stored milk in ludicrously gigantic vats (we're assuming you've got dozens of buffalo on the side) and introduce whey to kick-start the curdling process. Let the curd mature until it reaches a pH of about 4.95. When the desired pH level has been achieved, "spin" the curd by pouring hot water out onto it, and then shape it with a special rotating shaper machine (or, you know, you could just ask a few cash-strapped teens to come in and breakdance on the curd for half an hour). Cool the shaped cheese in cold water and pickle it by immersing in its original whey. Finally, cut out a few chunks, seal them in nice packages and you've got yourself some fresh... mozzarella? Oh dear. Well, since we've got this far and you're probably pretty hungry by now, just pop over to the supermarket and pick up a pack of pre-grated Parmesan. (What you do with the buffalo is entire up to you. We recommend a slow roast with some baked potatoes on the side... jeez, we're kidding, we're kidding, a'ight? Sheesh.)
6. Uh, where were we? -Chronos looks up from newspaper and shrugs- Well. I'm impressed that you've gone this long without a bathroom break, so off you go to the porcelain throne. Lads, don't forget to put the toilet seat back down or I'll set the buffalo on you.
7. Now that you're back, we can proceed. Extract the inked pasta and mashed fish from the cooking pot/cauldron, remove any magical spells and enchanted detritus that may be found in that tangled mess and drop on a plate. Garnish with some Parmesan and the 242 grains of salt and 7 grains of pepper. (What happens if you don't put in exactly that amount of condiment? You will get kicked in the face by karma. Or one of your buffalo. I don't really care, so long as you get taught a lesson for daring to question the Almighty Goddess of Irrelevent Stuff.)
8. Serve.

~Mnemosyne