by Chronos and Mnemosyne
Based on: Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare
No fish were hurt in the production of Romeo and Juliet: Failed!
Disclaimer: We do not own Romeo and Juliet. Kindly do NOT be offended by the script or the fact that we are parodying Romeo and Juliet -- you'd be surprised how boring summer gets after a few months. We'd also like to apologize to any gay transvestite attention-whoring whores who may be reading this post. Any resemblance to real or fictional persons is completely and entirely not an attempt at mockery. -cough-
Click the link below to enjoy the first Act, first Scene of Romeo and Juliet: Failed!
Edit: The complete post has been added to the Romeo and Juliet: Failed! tab.
Act I, Scene two
Capulet
Agh, that coot Montague! He had to accidentally steal my walking stick and impair my walking the entire way home. I had to crawl through the dirt. Crawl! Paris
Whoa, tough luck, dude.... Now, I've heard you have this daughter?
Capulet
[agape] YOU PEDOPHILE! SHE'S ONLY 14 YEARS OLD! But as long as you don't exceed 50, I think it should be fine.Paris
Hey, it's all cool, man. The babes can't keep their hands off me.Capulet
You disgust me. Then again, my daughter does so, even more than you. I'd be glad to marry her off. How much are you willing to pay?Paris
I gotta pay to marry your daughter? Dude, not cool. I don't do hookers.Capulet
[mumbles] She'd be too ugly to be a hooker anyway. [hurriedly clears throat] I-I mean, she's top quality! Fresh![aside] I sound like I'm selling meat.
[to Paris] My back hurts. Let me recline in the massage chair backstage. Come with me to make the audience think we have to discuss something important.
[to Servant] Here. -gives tissue paper- There you shall find the names of the guests at my party tomorrow. Go find them. Shoo.
[exit Paris and Capulet]
Servant
How the fk am I supposed to read tissue paper?![Servant catches sight of Romeo and Benvolio; the former is moping,
the latter is trying to stay as far away from him as possible]
the latter is trying to stay as far away from him as possible]
Hey look! Montagues! I wonder if they can tell me what's written on this tissue, even though my employer is their family's worst enemy, and I am a total idiot. Ro-me-oooooo! Get your lazy ass over here!
Romeo
Yeeeees?Servant
[shoves the tissue towards him] Can you read this and tell me who's invited to my master's party later on?Romeo
[emo-like] Two clumps of snot and a nose hair that looks like Bette Davis. What is this, a joke?Benvolio
[grabs tissue] Geez, cuz, lighten up a little. [puts on glasses] "Scumbag, ho, hoes, scumbag, hoes, ho, scumbag, hoes, scumba--sorry, Mercutio-- and his scumbag brother; head scumbag, ho, ho, Rosaline [gulp], ho, scumbag, that bastard Tybalt, scumbag, ho".So, basically, round up all the hoes and scumbags in Verona and ship them off to yon Capulet's mansion. Any other questions?
Servant
Thanks. [feels a tad bit cold] I need to sneeze. [snatches tissue from Benvolio's hand and sneezes into it]Benvolio
[cheerfully] Ah well! Guest list's gone, then. So I suppose nobody will notice if Ro-Emo and I sneak in tonight--I mean, if the party numbers are altered just a little bit?Servant
No, not really. Capulet's mansion is so large that all the guests get lost at some point, so I have to go get them. Why, they lost their beloved dog Poodles to the mansion too. The poor thing is probably still wandering...A-anyway! I'll just get Gregory to sms all the guests. How many of them were named 'ho' and 'scumbag' again?
Romeo
Seven scumbags, twelve hoes, Mercutio, <3 Rosaline <3, and "that bastard Tybalt". His words, not mine.Benvolio
We had a bit of a misunderstanding this morning.Romeo
Meaning?Benvolio
Meaning he tried to castrate me with a cheese grater. But that's all in the past! Tomorrow is another day, and I'll be wearing my armoured codpiece next time we meet.[Romeo and Servant exchange looks]
Servant
I'll... ah... get going now.Benvolio
Oh yeah, forgot to ask. Is there a costume theme for the party? Not like we're going to gate-crash it or anything, we're just being all super-curious and stuff.Servant
Well, provided you're not going to abuse this information and sneak into the gala to steal the heart of the Capulet heiress and set into motion a chain of tragic events that will eventually lead to the deaths of just about every major character bar three, sure I'll tell you! The theme tonight is drag.Benvolio & Romeo
What?!Servant
I know right? Pretty funny how they got to it. Lady Capulet just wanted a nice little artsy masquerade affair but her husband was really into, you know, other stuff... and rather than having him throw a gigantic fit and show up in the middle of her party wearing nothing but a pink lace bra and see-through pantyhose, she compromised. Hence the whole "drag" thing.Benvolio & Romeo
.... what.Servant
Scary stuff, but better than last time. Let's just say that what I said about Lord Capulet's tantrum outfit is not drawn from my imagination.Romeo
This is turning bad real fast.Benvolio
[gently pushing Servant out of the scene] I think you had better go now.Servant
[having a nervous breakdown] THE BRA HAD FRILLS! FRILLS I TELL YOU! AND THE PANTYHOSE WAS CROTCHLESS!Romeo
This is screwed up. Why do you WANT to go to this party anyways, Ben?Benvolio
It's Benvolio. Not Ben. And I think we should go because it'll be good for you.Romeo
Dressing up in ladies' clothing and getting drunk with my family's greatest enemy is going to be good for me?Benvolio
I wouldn't put it that way... but yes, that's exactly what we are doing. [loops arms with Romeo] Come, coz! Time to hit the mall. We've got to buy some really attention-whoring whore clothes so we can convince the people at the party that you are a gay tranvestite whore and, as an added bonus, hopefully put Rosaline off you if you she had any interest in you at all, which I doubt she did.Romeo
... wha- ... sorry, repeat that?Benvolio
The less you know the better. Now time to go look for your dear friend Mercutio who lives and breathes attention-whoring![exit Benvolio and confused Romeo]
Act One, Scene II end
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