Romeo and Juliet: Failed! -- Act I, Scene One

Romeo and Juliet: Failed!

by Chronos and Mnemosyne 

Based on: Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare

No fish were hurt in the production of Romeo and Juliet: Failed!

Mnem and I have finally managed to bother pulling off the lines from our chat history on MSN, which brings you the first act and first scene of our Romeo and Juliet parody!

Disclaimer: We do not own Romeo and Juliet. Kindly do NOT be offended by the script or the fact that we are parodying Romeo and Juliet -- teenagers need something to do, you know? Also, we do not own Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Click the link below to enjoy the first Act, first Scene of Romeo and Juliet: Failed!

Edit: The complete post has been added to the Romeo and Juliet: Failed! tab. The links of all complete scenes will be found there as we add them (click on the epic orange title!).
 

Act I, Scene One

Sampson

Gregory... [has a basket of coals upon his back] WHY THE HELL ARE WE CARRYING COALS?

Gregory

Coals? I thought they said collars.
Huh.
I was wondering why I had a basket of collars on my back.

Samspon

... wtf so YOU got the lighter load? WTF! TEACHER'S PET! [Sampson points at Gregory accusingly]

Gregory

Dude, I didn't say what they were made of.
Lord Capulet apparently has a thing for steel collars.

Samspon

He have a fetish for dogs or something?

Gregory

That would explain why he's married to that b--

Chorus

DON'T EVEN GO THERE!

Sampson

Right. So, like, draw your weapon. ‘Coz it says so in the script right here. [taps a random pile of papers that appeared out of nowhere]

Gregory

Weapon? Huh? Sam, I thought they said you couldn't go near anything sharp for at least six years or until a licensed psychiatrist gave you the green light.
... 'sides, I left my sword in my other trousers.

Sampson

Who gives a ****? We got another budget cut again. [passes him a small toy sword]

Gregory

[reads label] Goody. It's from China. Lead poisoning for the win.

Sampson

Mm, here comes Bob - I mean, Ham. ABRAHAM!

[Enter Abraham and another servant of the Montague household]

Abraham

[spots Sampson] His naked weapon is out!

Chorus

Ewww.

Servant

That's what she said.

Chorus

Win!

Gregory

Shut up.

Abraham

...

Sampson [to Servant]

You don't even have any lines.

Servant

Oh yeah? Who says? Is it just 'cos I'm a servant? Servants have rights TOO you know! Freedom for the servants! LONG LIVE THE SERVANTS!

Abraham

[facepalm] He's the new one.
The old one got cholera.

Sampson

Which reminds me...

Gregory

Don't bring up the coals, please.

Sampson

WHY THE HELL ARE WE CARRYING COALS?!

[Sampson rants unintelligibly for five minutes]

Gregory

Well, at any rate [is now holding the thick bundle of papers], it says now we have to talk about... biting thumbs? Wtf?

Sampson

[shrug] Okay. I BITE MY THUMB. [gnashes teeth on thumb]

Abraham

... is it supposed to be fountaining blood like that?

Servant

I vote we call an ambulance.

Sampson

No! [gasp] THE SHOW... MUST GO ON!
I BITE MY THUMB AT THEE, HAM! I MEAN, ABRAHAM!

Abraham

Do you bite your thumb at me, imbecile?

Gregory

No crap, what, you think he's assaulting his thumb for fun?

Chorus

... we wouldn't be surprised.

[Servant snickers]

Sampson

HAVE AT THEE, MORON!

[Sampson and Servant fight]

[plastic swords have mysteriously downgraded to cardboard and flop in half]

Sampson

What the- OH COME ON! WE CAN'T BE THAT POOR! Give us better stuff if you want us to act good!

Chorus

Faaaaaail.

[enter Benvolio]

Benvolio

Alright, who broke out the plastic knives? Well, cardboard now.

Sampson, Gregory, Abraham, Servant

[bows heads] We're sorry.

Benvolio

Good. Now let's all part peacefully... shake hands, boys... no, Gregory, shake HANDS--that's not his HAND--let go of his EAR--much better.

[enter Tybalt]

Benvolio

Ohh screw.

Tybalt

[roaring]

[insert random Jurassic Park clip of dinosaur roaring]

Woah, where the hell did that come from?

Benvolio

Hey, your fault for existing.

Tybalt

[dramatic gasp] HAVE AT THEE, COWARD! [pulls out a bowling pin from his bag] What the hell? What's this doing here?

Benvolio

You klepto.

Tybalt

S-shut up! [rummages through his bag again; pulls out half a billiard stick] ... it's rather unconventional but it'll have to do. [clears throat] HAVE AT THEE, COWARD!

Benvolio [to Gregory, Sampson, Abraham, and Servant]

You might want to stand back.

[pulls out rather large and sharp cheese knife]

[he and Tybalt fight]

[Ultimately, Tybalt's billiard stick gets sliced into half]

Tybalt

Oh damnation. [holds up hand] Doth give me a minute, I seem to need a new weapon... [rummages once more] AHA! [pulls out a cheese grater] HAVE AT THEE, COWARD!

Benvolio

Repeated that three times. More importantly, why do you have an effing CHEESE grater in your bag?

Tybalt

[At a loss for words]

Benvolio

[snickers]

[they fight]

Gregory

...that's something I never thought I'd see.

[enter Capulet, Lady Capulet, Montague, and Lady Montague]

Sampson

Crap! We must maketh our escape with haste!

Abraham

[sigh] Finally sticking to the script now, are we?

Chorus

Stop arguing and get chur ugly mugs outta the way!

Capulet

NOBODY MOVE!

[everyone freezes, including Benvolio and Tybalt in mid-swipe]

Capulet

Always wanted to say that.

Prince

[waltzes in wearing a ballroom suit] [whirls in circles] Why, what is this? A disturbance!

[insert everything the Prince says from the actual book]

[exit Prince]

Montague

Well, that was an earful.

Capulet

[nod nod] Literally.

Tybalt

[cleaning his nails]

Abraham

[dozing on the Servant]

Gregory

[playing chess with Sampson]

Montague

Where's our wives?

Capulet

They left about halfway through to get their hair done.

Montague

Oh.
Who's going to bring me my sword now?!

Capulet

[shrug] Who knows... [glances at script] It says here I’m supposed to be trying to quarrel pointlessly with you, but I’m too lazy. I’m off to Dunkin Donuts for some donuts and coffee. Bye. Come, slaves.

Gregory and Sampson

Us, sir?

Capulet

As long as they’re slaves, I don’t care. Hurry along now!

[all exit except Montague, Lady Montague, and Benvolio]

Montague

Lady M isn't back yet.

Benvolio

Pff.

Montague

So... what's up, nephew?

[stagehand boots Lady Montague onto the stage]

Lady Montague

[makes horrible keening noises]

Montague

Down, girl.

[Lady M retreats to his side, glaring offstage]

[Benvolio inches away from Lady M]

Montague

So, have you seen our Romeo recently?

Benvolio

Ro-ro-romeo? N-no.

[Montague raises an eyebrow] [evil eye]

Benvolio

[shudder] ‘T was the crack of dawn... my coz was...

[Flashback]

Benvolio

[strolling through forest]
[spots shadowy figure]
Hey, coz!
[The look on Benvolio's face turns to one of horror.]

[Romeo is shown, demonically lit by the early dawn light, repeatedly smacking the tallest tree in the forest with... A HERRING!]

[Chorus gasps]

Romeo

[smack] Rosaline! [smack] You [smack] bish! [smack] I [smack] love [smack] you! [smack] WHY?! [smack] FOR THE LOVE OF GOD [smack] WHY?!?!

Benvolio

Ro-romeo? Ro- uh, okay, I'll just sort of... wait ... over here...

[wanders into a dark corner while casting terrified looks at Romeo over his shoulder]

[pulls out phone] [dials Montague]
Heyy, Uncle Monty? Um. Did you give Romeo a... a herring this morning? Yes? Uh. Okay. Oh. Why am I asking? Well, it's kinda... uh... look, I'll just video call it.
[points phone at Romeo]

[shrieking is heard from within phone]

Lady Montague

My baby! What happened to my poor baby! Is he practicing black magic? Oh, I knew letting him read those books was a mistake, husband-

Chorus

A HAG! A HAG!

Montague

Don't be absurd! What could he be possibly - AUGH WHAT IN THE NAME OF DASTARDLY DEEDS IS MY SON DOING?

Lady Montague

I don't know, I don't know-

Montague Nurse

Why, madam and sir, is that not the herring from our dinner last night?

[Lady and Lord Montague are at a loss for words]

Lady and Lord Montague

NOOOO THAT DELICIOUSLY SOFT MEAT, THE EXQUISITE TASTE! ALL LOST FOREVEEEEEEEER!

[Romeo pauses and Benvolio freezes]

Benvolio

[speaking quickly into phone] I think he's spotted me. Dear uncle, dear aunt, if these are my final words than I pray you both live long and ha--
[cut off]

[Lady and Lord Montague are speechless]

[cut back to forest]

Romeo

So, Benvolio... spying on me, are we?

Benvolio

N-no…

[Theme from Jaws plays; chorus of screams]

[reduced to a sobbing mass at Romeo's feet] I'M SORRY COZ I'M SORRY COZ DON'T KILL ME! DON'T FEED ME TO THE SHARKS!

Romeo

Uh, dude, chill. [holds up herring] All I wanted to do was slap you upside the head with this, you know. What's your problem?

Benvolio

... Just slap me now and get it over with.

Romeo

Cool. [smacks Benvolio upside the head with herring]

[return to the present]

Benvolio

And that's all I know, up till the point when I woke up again in your house with a compress on my forehead and a distinct smell of fish inside my nose.

[Lady and Lord Montague are speechless]

[enter Romeo]

Lady Montague

[shrieks] [runs off as fast as her legs can carry her]

Montague

... [follows suit, hobbling]

[Benvolio makes to escape as well]

Romeo

[catches his cousin on the shoulder before he can make his escape] Hey.

Romeo

[taps script] Says here you're supposed to talk with me about that bish.

Benvolio

[gulps] It's quite alright, there was a scene change. Abraham is supposed to listen to you now. [makes to escape once more]

Romeo

Oh. Okay. 'Cos I really wanted to talk to you about Rosaline. I really wanted to bare my soul to you, y'know? 'Cos you're the only one who really understands me. [begins tearing up]

Benvolio

Uh...

Romeo

[wiping tears off his nose] No, coz, it's okay. You have your life to live, and I have mine to waste. Oh, Rosaline! If only there were someone I love and trust and were related to by juncture of cousinship to talk to me about your fiery beauty and stubborn unwillingness to date anyone under six foot two...

Benvolio

[mumbles] Since you put it that way... [sighs] I think it means I'll HAVE to listen to you now...

Romeo

[sparkling eyes] WILL YOU REALLY? [sigh] My fair Rosaline, I have someone to relate to now...

Benvolio

Hurry up and talk before I change my mind… [discreetly inserts earplugs into his ears]

Romeo

Is the day so young?

Benvolio

It's only half past nine.

Romeo

Ay me, sad hours seem long. Was that my father that went hence so fast?

Benvolio

Fast indeed... that's the fastest I've ever seen Uncle Monty shuffle.

Romeo

Not having that which, having, makes them short.

Benvolio

Short? His legs?

Romeo

Out—

Benvolio

He's out of his legs?

Romeo

Out of her favour where I am in love.

Benvolio

Oh.

Romeo

Alas, that Love, whose view is muffled still [yaddi yaddi ya] Dost thou not laugh?

[Benvolio muffles a snicker]

Romeo

Good heart, at what?

Benvolio

[snicker snicker]

Romeo

Why, such is love's transgression [yaddi yaddi ya] Farewell, my coz.

Benvolio

Thank God. [makes as if to leave]

Romeo

Tut, I have lost myself; I am not here. This is not Romeo; he's some other where.

Benvolio

What are you and what have you done to Romeo?! [draws sword] Away with ye!

Romeo

What, shall I groan and tell thee?

Benvolio

[drops sword] NO! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS PURPLE, DO NOT GROAN AND TELL ME!

Romeo

A sick man in sadness makes his will-- [yaddi yaddi ya] In sadness, cousin, I do love a woman.

Benvolio

... Crap, he's started. [zones out]

Chorus

What other than a woman? A fish?

Benvolio

IKR? Anyways.

Second Chorus

Wouldn't put it past him.

Chorus

Oh snap!

Romeo

[glares at choruses]

Chorus

For your sanity, Romeo’s remaining lines shall be censored.

Romeo

[embarks on lines 201-209, which are the speech about Rosaline]

Benvolio

[yawns]

Romeo

[lines 211-217, also about Rosaline]

Benvolio

[extracts his phone]

Romeo

O, teach me how I should forget to think!

Benvolio

[drops phone]

Romeo

[lines 222-230]

Benvolio

[checks script] Can I leave now?

Act I, Scene One End