by Chronos and Mnemosyne
Based on: Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare
No fish were hurt in the production of Romeo and Juliet: Failed!
Out of the bottomless magician's hat comes another rabbit! Or, rather, the next installment of Romeo and Juliet: Failed!
Disclaimer: We do not own Romeo and Juliet. Kindly do NOT be offended by the script or the fact that we are parodying Romeo and Juliet -- we have too much time on our hands during summer vacation to be able to write, even publish this on Ferret Gun! This was written in about 20 - 30 minutes after we finished Scene Two. Teen Dream is an idea of our own imaginations and is not referring to the real product if it exists. Stuart and Paris are models for Teen Dream only in this script and do not intentionally resemble any real models named Stuart or Paris. We also do not own snickerdoodles -- why, I haven't even tried them before.
Click the link below to enjoy the first Act, third Scene of Romeo and Juliet: Failed!
Edit: The complete post has been added to the Romeo and Juliet: Failed! tab.
Edit: The complete post has been added to the Romeo and Juliet: Failed! tab.
Act I, Scene Three
A room in Capulet's House
[Enter Lady Capulet and Nurse]
Lady Capulet
Nurse, where is my fat turd of a daughter? Tell her to hurry up and squeeze through the door if she's stuck!
Nurse
[calls] Juliet! There's some oil on the floor by your foot!
Juliet
[distant] Thanks! [distinct 'pop' sound]
[enters the room, huffing and lumbering] What, Mom? I was busy reading a book!
Lady Capulet
... what book? All you have in your room are stacks upon stacks of Teen Dream magazines. Give it up, Juliet! You'll never be able to get a boy that handsome, ever!
Juliet
[insulted but too busy trying to catch her breath to retort]
Nurse
It's alright, dear Juliet. Why, when I was your age... [starts talking about the 'Good Ol' Days']
Juliet
Oh god she's started again.
Lady Capulet
She is right though. She was horrifying at your age. Less so than you are at the moment, but horrifying nonetheless.
Juliet
[agape] I am NOT that ugly! I'm just... just a little overweight!
Lady Capulet
[snort] A LITTLE? Juliet dear, have you stepped on a scale that HASN'T broken before?
Juliet
Yes, mother, I have.
Lady Capulet
The one at the funhouse doesn't count.
Juliet
WHAT KIND OF MOTHER ARE YOU?!
Lady Capulet
An honest one.
Juliet
[bursting into tears] I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU ALL! I HATE THIS WORLD! I WISH YOU WERE ALL DEAD! I'M GOING TO BE IN MY ROOM IF ANYONE NEEDS A PERFECT REPRESENTATION OF HUMANITY'S BROKEN HEARTS! GOODBYE!
[door slams]
Lady Capulet
Gosh, what happened to her? One little comment about her weight and she throws a fit. Just like my husband, she is.
Nurse
Except she doesn't get all done up in a pink lace bra and crotchless pa—
Lady Capulet
[interrupting] That's all in the past.
Nurse
It was yesterday.
Lady Capulet
He apologized. I burned the clothes. And Juliet's just going through a little phase of hers. Probably because her father's trying to marry her off to that Greek god of a chap.
[pauses]
Speaking of that boy... did I forget something?
Nurse
You were confessing to me earlier that his face was as flat as a fish?
Lady Capulet
No, not that. And even if his face is as flat as a fish, he's still hot.
Nurse
Ma'am, you do realize you are speaking of your daughter's potential suitor? And that the courts won't be lenient; they'll call you a pedophile? For which you could be sentenced with statutory rape up to a period of --
Lady Capulet
Oh shut up.
... [thinks for a moment longer]
Ah. My daughter is supposed to marry him. Why is someone as ugly as she is so lucky to get that dreamy Greek God of a chap where I, former runner up of the Miss Lanky and Plain, end up with that fat, porkbellied nutcase?
As much as I don't want to and I feel lazy, I have to go to Juliet's room and talk to her about marrying Paris. [taps the script on the dresser] They're going to dock my pay again if I don't. I get as little enough as it is.
[leaves room]
Nurse
[peers at the script] Damn. No more lines. [grumbles and gets off the stage]
Lady Capulet
[arrives in front of Juliet's room] [knocks]
Daughter? Open up.
Juliet
Go away! [crunching sound]
Lady Capulet
Are you binging on food again?
Juliet
N-no, I'm not! [crunching sound] Go away!
Lady Capulet
THOSE HAD BETTER NOT BE MY SNICKERDOODLES. I'M COMING IN! [takes off her high heels and starts chipping at the styrofoam door]
[crashes and bangs fill the theater as Lady Capulet effectively destroys the entire set] [replaces her shoe] [sigh]
Now, Juliet...
[walks straight into a large stack of Teen Dream magazines] [magazines topple and fall over] [a single hand is outstretched from the pile] Can't... breathe! Choking... not breathing!
[stagehands hurriedly extract Lady Capulet from the pile of magazines]
Lady Capulet
Okay, daughter. [cough] Firstly... If those are my snickerdoodles you're eating...
Juliet
[face is filled with crumbs as she gapes at her mother, one hand still in a cookie jar]
Lady Capulet
... secondly... get rid of these GODDAMNED MAGAZINES. Why can't you spend your money more reasonably, like on liposuction or something?!
[tearing sound is heard as Lady Capulet approaches her daughter through the magazines]
Juliet
[pained gasp] STUART! MOM! GET YOUR WHORE HEELS OUT OF STUART'S FACE!
Lady Capulet
[glances down at her shoe and finds her heel impaled through a Teen Dream magazine] Whatever. [takes off her shoe and throws it at Juliet] You are paying for a new pair. Now what is in that cookie jar?
Juliet
NOTHING. DON'T COME ANY CLOSER. [brandishes a Teen Dream magazine]
Lady Capulet
[gasps] That's not PARIS, is it?
Juliet
Huh, I guess it is. [beat] Wait a minute...
Lady Capulet
Don't go there, darling--
Juliet
YOU SAID I WOULD NEVER GET A HOT BOYFRIEND! WELL NOW I HAVE! SO HA! HA HA HA, MOTHER! HA HA HA!
Lady Capulet
Dear God, she's off her meds again.
Juliet
POETIC JUSTICE! YOU WILL KNOW MY PAAAAAAAAAAAAIN, MOTHER. YOU WILL KNOW MY PAAAAAAAIN! HAHAHAHAHA!
Lady Capulet
Servant! Oi, you! Come over here and drag her to her bedroom! And bring a chair and whip!
[Servant forces Juliet back into her bedroom; clawing noises and screams are heard, and Servant sprints out with his shirt shredded]
Servant
It's no use, milady! She's like a fking raccoon! By which I mean she's very into trash, heavy eyeliner, and probably has rabies!
Lady Capulet
Well, I hope she marries Paris.
Servant
Why? Because deep inside you know she's still your daughter and you want only what's best for her in the long run?
Lady Capulet
Hell no! Because that gives me a greater chance of sleeping with him. Off to the pantry with you!
End of Act I, Scene Three
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